April 21, 2016 (posted later)
So.... my stepdaughter is STILL 15 (god it
feels like it's been 2 years already instead of less than 9 months). In the time
she's been 15 we have had.... binge eating, rotting food and maggots in her
bedroom, several hundred dollars worth of stolen internet services, multiple
devices snuck into the house when we blocked her access to devices, cutting,
smoking, a short attempt at drinking.... then we finally cut her off from all
access to internet at all (changed the WiFi password, locked her out of wired
internet, gave the school back their iPad, took away her phone), seemed to get
through to her on all of her ridiculous behavior, and things have gotten
better.
In the midst of all of this, there was a
call to a suicide hotline by me because she said when she's cutting she
sometimes thinks about just PUSHING the blade in and "ending it all".
There were anxiety attacks, where she insists she can't breath. There have been
weekly counseling sessions, accusations that I am trying to "control her
life" (I wouldn't let her skip science her junior year so that she could
take band), coming out as gay, changing her entire look to mimic a youtube star
she's in love with, then coming out as transgendered, then asking us to come
get her because she didn't want to live with her mom anymore (she normally
spends 2 to 3 weekends a month at her mom's during the school year), shaving
off all of her hair, changing her wardrobe and asking all of her teachers to
call her "Zach"...
Also during the last year, year and a
half, she's decided she was an evangelical Christian who argued with her
biology teacher about evolution, and insisted that her youth pastor be able to
come into class and present the case for creationism. Then she declared she was
Wiccan and told EVERYONE about it, put wiccan images and apps all over her
iPad, argued with everyone about it. THEN she was an atheist and told EVERYONE
about that, and took great joy in arguing with anyone who would listen about
the existence of god.
Oh yeah, it's been one for the books. Her
dad and I have basically handled the transgendered thing by refusing to react.
OK, you're trans. That's nice dear.
However, we did not allow the school to
approve all teachers calling her by this new name. We are 100% positive that
she is NOT trans. She has never once exhibited symptoms of gender dysphoria in
the 11 years I've known her. I even went to a psychiatrist who specialized in
gender dysphoria to talk it over. She 100% agreed that, based on my
description, sd is NOT transgendered. We told the school that we would like to
keep her being addressed as her female name for now, and if she still wants
this at the beginning of next school year, she can start the year as this new
person.
Ain't. ever. Gonna. Happen.
It's been so damn hard to keep my mouth
shut. I'm so bloody tired of the drama. She takes great joy in telling me about
every time she corrects or argues with someone about her name. She loves
telling us about each little insignificant incident. She STOPPED THE PRINCIPAL
IN THE HALLWAY AND INFORMED HIM THAT HE NEEDED TO PROVIDE HER WITH A SAFE PLACE
SHE COULD GO WHENEVER SHE HAD AN ANXIETY ATTACK AND UNLIMITED ABILITIY TO LEAVE
CLASS WHENEVER IT HAPPENS.
<Deep Breath>
Ok. this all came to a head 2 nights ago.
Keep in mind this was how the previous 3 days had gone - Saturday - 9 year old
DD falls onto a metal cable onto her crotch, and I spent approx.. 30 hours in 2
hospitals, including holding her down while they put in the IV, while they
examine her intimate parts, then sending her off to the OR so they can put her
under a general so they can examine her and repair any internal damage. Sunday
night (got home from the hospital about 10pm) had nightmares most of the night
and couldn't sleep. Monday early AM, my husband flies out to a job in Colorado
that he REALLY doesn't want to go to because this customer is a complete PITA
and treats him like an incompetent idiot. All day Monday DH is a total Dick to
me on the phone (transferred stress...I know... but still hard to take). Mid
morning Monday (I'm finally SLEEPING!!!) my stepdaughter calls from the school
- she's having constant anxiety attacks and can't stop crying. Multiple calls,
multiple passes to the counselor and clinic, finally she asks me to come get
her about an hour before school lets out. Keep 9 yr old calm and from bleeding
on the couch while she lounges. 15 year old decides to take a nap cuz she's
exhausted. She sleeps from 430pm until 9:30....and I'd been trying to wake her
for 2 hours. Then, after I've finally gotten 9
year old bathed (ouch), settled into bed, medicated, and asleep....15
year old has to sit on the couch and talk my ear off until 1130pm, when all I
want to do is watch the DVR'd episode of Outlander that I missed Saturday while
I was in the ER. I finally get her to go back to bed, but I'm too exhausted to
do anything but try to sleep. Can't sleep - nightmares. Tuesday...husband a
TOTAL DICK to me all day again. I handle it, cuz again, I know why, and he will
pull his head out of his ass later. Can't nap - nightmares. Tuesday I work late
cuz we have 3 big contracts come in that I need to get quoted. Dinner all ready
in crock pot, I have my crochet group at 7. My sister comes down to make sure
the girls eat, clean up, and 9 year old gets to bed. i told my sister that once
the little one was in bed, she could go, cuz the 15 year old could handle
herself.
For once, I have a WONDERFUL time at
crochet with my friends. I bought a round of drinks (which I've never done),
and we laughed and laughed!!! It was wonderful! I'm standing in the parking lot
talking with one of my friends when my phone rings – my husband. Screw him, I'm
off the clock, I'll call him back later. Phone rings again – 15 year old. It's
about a half hour after her bedtime... what's she doing up?? I answer.
Now, I won't go into detail, but what
followed was a short, drama-filled phone call, where she (in the most dramatic,
drawn-out way possible) tells me she just got off the phone with a suicide
hotline specializing in LGBTQ youth, and she's all better now.
oy.
I. lost. It. That was my breaking point. I
couldn't handle one more pointless, self-indulgent, drama incident from this
spoiled, selfish brat. She claimed she didn't know why she's even called to
tell me. I said, I know why! Because you needed to perpetuate the drama, and
you couldn't do that since I wasn't there!!
It went downhill from there. I get home, the
9 year old is up, 2 hours after her bedtime, complaining she's in pain. She'd
been looking for her sister for almost 90 minutes to ask her to call me cuz she
wanted her pain medicine.... but couldn't find her. The 15 year old was outside
on the phone with her suicide hotline pal. And couldn't hear her sister calling
for her. I got the little one medicated and back to bed, then went to find her
sister, and BLEW MY TOP.
I'm DONE with the drama. I'm DONE with the
insistence that everyone stop and pay attention to you. I’m SICK of feeling
like I'm watching a performance, and having my every reaction judged for proper
performance in return. I'm SICK of listening to the reports of how mistreated
you are. I've FUCKING OVER IT ALL. That I've had the shittiest few days
imaginable, but I haven't ONCE gone all drama on her and said POOR ME! I hadn't
mentioned her dad being a Dick to me - why? We worked it out and are fine. But
yeah it sucked!!! But I'd finally had a fun night out. I relaxed, laughed, let
it all go... and she couldn't even let me have that. She had to call, before I
even got home, and inject drama back into my one night out with friends every
TWO WEEKS. thanx. Glad you got what you needed.
And walked out.
She came back to me a while later, and
proceeded to announce to me that the whole reason she called me that night was
to tell me that she was finally happy, and she wasn't going to let anyone hold
her back from being who she really was. I said, that's nice dear. Who's holding
you back"
Yep. You guessed it. YOU ARE!!!!!
<crying, sobbing, drama drama!!!>
Oh bullshit. You are NOT pinning that on
me you selfish little twit.
Ok. maybe I didn't call her a twit. Take
that off and I DID say the rest.
How am I holding you back?, says I.
WHY WON"T YOU CALL ME ZACH??? She
screams.
<gloves come off>
Oh. It was a joy to behold. I ripped
loose, told her she's about as transgendered as our dog. That she's building a
reputation as an attention whore at school. (one of her friends told her that
right before he refused to talk to her anymore a few months ago). She's losing
all her friends because they're tired of all the drama (she insists that no
she's just sick of them and is pushing them all away. Oh... whatever. You're so
full of shit). That she can choose to do whatever she wants to destroy her reputation
among her peers - we can't stop her. But I am NOT going to confuse the crap out
of her little sister explaining why we're suddenly referring to her sister as a
guy, calling her by a different name, when I bloody well KNOW it's just another
ploy for attention!
And on. And on. And on.
And it was as if a light someone flipped a
switch. She went blank. Tears started streaming down her face. And she said...
"you're right."
<bangs. head.
Against. table.>
