Greetings....Welcome to my first ever Blog post. I often feel I have things to share with the world, and no way to share them. So, here we are.
Do you ever look back at your parents' lives, and wonder, "How in the hell did they make it look so easy??" Both of my parents are gone - My dad died 25 years ago, when I was 20 years old, resulting in the shattering of my nice, safe little home world. He was a dairy farmer, and I grew up with him always around somewhere. I didn't understand my friends whose dads had 9 to 5 jobs, or steel mill jobs. Dad was always somewhere on our 250+ acre farm, working harder than anyone I've ever known since. My mom died of a rare form of cancer some 6 years ago, a mere 3 months after we threw a 350 person 80th Birthday Party for her, with live music, catered food and deserts, and an open bar. She danced, laughed, talked to all of her many friends and relatives, and within weeks was back in treatment for the cancer we thought she'd beaten.
I look back on my childhood with a sense of unreality. I was the youngest of 3 - my brother is 3 and a half years older, and my sister is 11 years older. We grew up playing on the farm, learning to help with all of the myriad chores required to make it work. My mom worked there on the farm with my Dad. I knew a parade of farm hands who were almost like adopted family members - they ate meals at our kitchen table, swam in our above-ground pool from time to time, included some of my earliest crushes and irrational dislikes.
Now, here I am, a 46 year old mother of 2, running a totally unrelated business on the same property where I grew up. I am sitting right now at my desk in what used to be the milkhouse. In fact, I am sitting inches from where my father died of a massive coronary so many years ago. One of my 2 kids is my stepdaughter - she was 6 when her father and I got married. The relationship is a combative one, thanks in large part to the disruptive nature of her biological mother's approach to parenting.
My other child is my 10 year old daughter who was diagnosed as Type 1 Diabetic 4 months ago.
My husband is a hard-working, brilliant, inspired, loving geek - he and I make up the ownership of our successful industrial automation company.
We have employees, all of whom I consider friends. I care about them as I would a close family member, and invest in their lives as I would my own family.
And I'm bloody exhausted.
I know my parents' lives were solid. I know they didn't have all of the distraction we have in our society today. I know that things were somewhat simpler due to the simple fact that so many things were just accepted for what they were, without any questioning. Sexuality, sexual identity, gender roles, religion, family. I know they would both be baffled by many of the things we see and hear on a daily basis now. I don't think either of them would be appalled if they'd lived through the changes - my mom was an immigrant, and despite not understanding my atheism, she never judged me for it. My dad was a life long farmer, but he never begrudged that fact that neither my brother nor I was destined to continue the family tradition. I have no doubt that both of them wondered what they would do with the farm when they were ready to give it up, since none of their kids were going to take it over.
I often think of them, when my exhaustion-fogged brain allows it, and wonder what they would think of me, and how my life is turning out. Would my dad be proud of me, of us? Would he have liked my husband? Actually, there's little doubt in my mind that he and Russ would have been thick as thieves - Dad had the same off-kilter sense of humor that Russ has, the love of a great pun, the tendency to see things just a little off-center from most people.
I look at friends and colleagues whose parents are still around, some of whom have very combative relationships with their parents. It pains me. I would give almost anything for one more day with either of my parents. I want to grab my friends and shake them and shout DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THAT THEY WON'T BE AROUND FOREVER? DO YOU NOT SEE THAT WHAT YOU HAVE IS TO BE CHERISHED AND VALUED!!??
but....no one can teach that. They have to live it themselves.
Anyway. This is my inaugural blog. From time to time, with absolutely no regularity or reason, I plan to post my thoughts here, and share them with whomever might be interested. Why? I don't know. Part of it is just to get out of my head the things that are stuck inside. The other part is hoping that maybe something I've experienced will help someone else, or trigger a conversation, or maybe change a mind.
So, read on and enjoy, if you wish. I welcome constructive comments, both positive and negative. I however will not tolerate pointless attacks.
Thank you for sharing this journey with me.
Holly
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